Chat with the Counselors – August 2010 Tutor Doctor Newsletter

When the Dream Isn’t the Reality…….

From the time couples find out they will soon be parents, the dreams and hopes for their children start to form.  I can personally remember when I found out that I was having a girl; I started to get excited and envisioned bows, dresses and of course lots of pink.  That dream became a reality for about a year as I dressed Brianna in dresses with matching hats and bows.  I looked forward to her continuing that look and eventually having some of the same interests as me like dancing.  For most of you that are parents know where this story is headed.  Brianna is not like me, she has her own mind, personality, and interests, none of which involve getting dressed up, being a ballet dancer, or being prissy.  Brianna loves to climb trees, read books, and couldn’t care less about clothes or shopping.  It was really hard for me but eventually I had to give up the dream and realize that Brianna enjoys the life of being rough and tumble versus sugar and spice.  It was only then that I could really enjoy her for who she is and the wonderful eight year-old that she has become.  Whether parents are struggling with their children having personality differences, learning disabilities, food allergies, emotional disorders, or major behavior problems, most go through the normal and predictable stages of grief.  Just like I needed to grieve that my “little girl,” didn’t fit my original vision of what I thought she would be like, all parents at some time in their relationship with their children will grieve the loss of their dream of a healthy, happy, or “perfect” child.

Parental grief and loss contains the following stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  As I begin to describe the various stages, I invite you to think about what stage you are in or what stages you went through to let go of the dream of the “perfect” child.

1.Denial:

Parents might find themselves saying:
•We don’t have these problems at home.
•Not my child.  What were the others doing?
•It must be something I’m/you’re doing wrong.
•They are just going through a phase.

2.Anger:

Parents might say things like:
•If you just knew how to teach, he/she wouldn’t be having these problems.
•If you spent more time at home, he/she wouldn’t be having these problems.
•Come on, just try it, I know once you start playing the sport/instrument you will like it.
•Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother, friend, or niece/nephew?

3.Bargaining:

•Parents begin to recognize the problem yet search for some type of “quick fix.”
•Parents start to become hyper-vigilant about finding something that is going to make this problem just disappear.
•Parents might say: “If we can just find the right treatment the problem will go away.”

4.Depression:

•Understandably, parents begin to feel very sad and hopeless when the treatments don’t work or don’t produce immediate results.
•Parents might say: “We’ve tried everything and nothing works!”

5.Acceptance:

•Parents begin to see the problem as something that requires a “lifestyle approach” to treatment.
•This approach involves making long-term changes to accepting our children’s limitations rather   than trying to make the problems go away or make the solution to the problem more of what we   envisioned or hoped it to be.

If you would like more information on parental grief or parenting, contact:

Sara Hoffstot (618-741-8543/sarahoffstot@yahoo.com) & Suzanne Rodgers (314-369-4498/suzannecounselor@yahoo.com) with Living Well By Design

They can help you either through their The Perfect Fit-Finding Your Ideal Parenting Style presentations or through individual, couple, and or family counseling.  Check out their parenting blog at www.perfectfitparenting.blogspot.com.

*Sara and Suzanne will be hosting and presenting at their office The Perfect Fit-Finding Your Ideal Parenting Style: “Relating To Your Unique Child” on September 20th from 6-9 pm.  The focus will be on learning disabilities (identify your child’s learning style for increased learning.  Differentiating between learning styles and disabilities.), food allergies (Allowing social situations to become more manageable by controlling your anxiety and learning new cost effective healthy alternatives and ingredients for cooking.), and autism (Mindful parenting strategies for working through the trials and tribulations of parenting an autistic child.)  The following guest speakers will also be presenting on the above topics: Michelle Thacker (Chef and owner of Pat-A-Cake Pat-A-Cake), Rabia Rahman, RD, LD and Jenn Randazzo, RD, LD (founder and owners of Nourish), Dan Morris (Tutor Doctor), and Suzanne Nothaus (author and creator of The Toddler Logger)

Chat with the Counselors Article July 2010

Helping Your Child Develop Independence

From birth on, we struggle to achieve, maintain, and protect our independence.  As parents, we are often in a quandary about how to effectively support and encourage our children’s growing independence.

All children need choices and responsibility at age-appropriate levels to help develop independence.  Through experience and practice, children gain confidence to try new tasks and build self-esteem.  Toddlers are ready to make simple choices such as selecting what clothing item to wear or what breakfast food to eat.  Let them try (and fail) at new tasks.  Increase the level of responsibility and choices as the child matures.  School-age children can pack their own lunch, put up their clothing, help with assigned chores, and select an activity for family night.  Responsibilities for “tweens” may include learning to use an alarm clock, independently completing homework, using a planner to track homework and extracurricular events, and keeping their room organized.  Teens are ready for responsibilities that will help them transition to living on their own (dorm life) such as doing laundry, helping with family meal preparation, running errands, and maintaining a part-time job.

Fostering independence now will help your child transition to adulthood with confidence and success!

Living Well By Design Has Partnered with Tutor Doctor St. Louis to Provide Support for Parents

Living Well By Design:

Are you designing your life or allowing others to do it for you?  Sara Hoffstot and Suzanne Rodgers can help you design your life in the way that you’ve always envisioned it to be!  Living Well By Design is committed to finding their clientele the dash of life that they are looking for.  Sara and Suzanne are transforming lives by allowing their clientele to design their own way of life in a way that will bring them peace, happiness, and success.  Incorporating the seven areas of well-being: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational, and spiritual into our counseling sessions and couture presentations ensures their clientele and audience members will have the perfect accessories to begin designing their ideal life.  Living Well By Design is accomplished by giving their clientele choices that will assure their plan of action will become a reality through: custom counseling (individual, couples, family), luxury counseling (webcam, phone, professional consultations), and refinement counseling (presentations, seminars, groups.)

Chat with the Counselors:

Living Well By Design has teamed up with their Community Partners in Missouri and Illinois to support people and offer complimentary chats in person and articles submission to various newsletter and/or newspapers.  This is your opportunity to use Chat with the Counselors as an accessory in designing your life the way it was meant to be.  Living Well By Design has teamed up with their Community Partner, Tutor Doctor, to support people who may have questions about counseling or would like to refine, polish, and educate themselves and others.  The topics that will be written will come from their Couture Collection of Presentations that focuses on the seven areas of well-being: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational, and spiritual. Sara & Suzanne are very passionate about getting the word out about the seven areas of well being and the concept of being in control of your own life.  Living Well By Design hopes that you join them here monthly to read about different ways to design with your life in mind.